Duo is Viagra
by leejeeg
Summary: Heero's introspective account of a slight problem.
1. Chapter 1

Duo is Viagra

a gundam wing ff

by leejeeg

Summary: Heero returns from a long engagement of having been both bodyguard and engaged to Relena. Why? Among other things he seems to be having problems related to sex.

Heero POV -This is for the readers who let me know that they liked the way I write Heero. I have to admit, I rather like this one, Heero's voice channels through me well.

OOC somewhat-or what I'd like to think of as what they'd be like in peace.

Usual pairings-don't let the Relena-thing scare you.

Lemon? Just a little citrus.

Prologue

The flight is almost at an end and I can't help but feel profound relief. I hopped on the next available shuttle out of Sanq, with only my war battered duffle and the clothes on my back. There were a few people, shall we say, not entirely thrilled with me right now (the caterer, florist, tuxedo rental store,etc.), first on the list, Her Highness. She would scowl and tell me not to call her that. She was no longer the Queen of the world. But Relena Peacecraft was the Foreign Vice Minister and entitled to the respect of her office. And I do respect her. In my way I love her too. I guess I was drawn to her by her warmth and willingness to reach out to a teenaged terrorist. Okay, maybe not so much drawn as coerced. Well, maybe not-but she is rather pushy when she wants something; relentless too. She also reminded me of someone whom I stupidly destroyed, an innocent. It was an accident, and my remorse was great. _Nissan are you lost_? I still shudder at the memory. It took a long time for the nightmares to dissipate and they haven't completely disappeared. I doubt they ever will.

That is something that Relena does not seem to understand. It is as if she believes that her love could cure all that ailed in me. She loves me, blindly, to the point where I have to question whether it is love or obsession, but she does not understand me. It's not her fault-after all there were bound to be significant cultural and philosophical differences between an ex-teenage terrorist and a naive idealist raised with a silver spoon in her mouth.

In March of last year we were having dinner in an intimate French restaurant when Relena suggested rather strongly that we make our relationship official. I hadn't a clue as to what she was getting at but she just giggled and called me silly. But I did not refuse or protest her marriage proposal. I don't know why-I suppose it was those big, blue eyes that threatened to rain tears if I rebuffed her. God, I cannot abide crying females. Honestly I don't think many men can; tearful females ought to be deployed during war, a more effective weapon than bombs, though bombs I daresay are less destructive.

When the news of our engagement was leaked-and I have no doubt it was leaked by Relena herself, we received many notes, letters and calls of varying degrees of congratulations.

Duo called me from L2 to offer his congratulations. I accepted sheepishly, having not been in communication with him for several months and I felt pretty guilty about it. It wasn't that I hadn't wanted to talk to the baka; Relena kept me ridiculously busy-and Duo was busy himself, what with working at the salvage yard on L2.........and Hilde.

It had been a strained conversation. I know what you're thinking: any conversation I'm party to is apt to be strained. Not so. After peace broke out I let a lot of my barriers down. True, I might never let go of my caution-especially amid crowds, and I do lock my door and my car at night, but I also joke, laugh and smile now. No, _really_.

Anyway, have you ever had a talk with someone and you tell them something that you expect a really enthusiastic response to, only to get a "wow, uh-that's really great, I guess?" That's what happened with Duo. I don't know what it was but I could hear a hint of...._regret_? In his voice. It confused me and I hung up feeling out of sorts. He was about the best friend I had ever had and I knew he wanted me to be happy, but something just seemed off.

That was now about six months ago. After breaking it off with Relena I traveled a bit, free to do what I wished for the first time, ever. At first I was fascinated by all the diversity in the world. I made friends here and there, took a few university level classes; I completed my engineering degree. But wandering got old fast. I was faced with the strong desire for permanency, I wanted to put down roots.

As luck would have it Wufei contacted me hoping that I would accept Une's invitation to become a Preventer agent. I left for earth right away.

* * *

-1-

I'm in the waiting room outside the office of the Preventer mental health officer (read:psychiatrist), Danni Rodgers. There is a benign Muzak cover of When Doves Cry playing from a ceiling speaker. It almost makes me laugh, because I can just see Duo's face grimacing as he complains about how after all this time one of the worst things about BC music survived.

I look around. There are magazines on a plastic coffee table and a few generic holoprints of landscapes on the wall. My posture is rigidly straight in the leatherette chair I'm seated in. There are some things about my soldier training that I will never lose. I don't show it but I'm nervous. I've had psych evals before, but today I am here to address something of a more personal nature.

I have been waiting nearly twenty minutes past my appointment time and I nearly get up to leave when the door to the office opens. A petite, slender woman rushes out. My keen observational abilities tell me she is distraught. Her eyes are rimmed red and swollen, her small fist clutches her Kleenex and holds it firmly to her nose. She breezes past me so fast I nearly miss that I am acquainted with her: she is Une's latest secretary. _Poor girl_. I suddenly wonder if any of Une's previous secretaries had to seek counseling. I laugh involuntarily.

"Agent Yuy? Please come in. I apologize-I have been running late today."

Doctor Rodgers smiles warmly. I rise from my seat and enter her office. She closes the door behind us and gestures for me to sit.

I glance around while she takes a moment to organize herself. Her office is cozy, there are personal effects throughout the room: photos of her with family, little knick knacks; including a tiny rubber chicken on her desk. This odd touch of whimsy reminds me of Duo.

She looks me in the eye when she is ready. "What can I help you with, agent Yuy?"

"I'm not sure how to say this."

"Take your time."

"I just......it's embarrassing."

She shrugs amiably. "I've always known you to be direct, agent. Take the direct approach."

I did.

Her eyebrows raised in slight surprise.


	2. Chapter 2

-2-

I'm yawning through my second cup of coffee. I was up last night analyzing data. What? Oh-you wanted to know what I told Danni Rodgers, the Preventer psychiatrist? Not so fast. All will be revealed-in time.

Anyway, I sat at my desk, typing a mission report for Une. I am partner-less yet again. I am somewhat frustrated because getting a decent partner to work with is somewhat akin to finding the proverbial needle in haystack-sifting through lots of crap to find the one sharp agent. The other agents find me.....difficult to work with. It is sometimes difficult to work with operatives in the field when there is very little rapport.

I still have some trouble with communication: sometimes after missions the other agents would invite me out for drinks. I did not go often-seldom did we have anything in common. For one thing, almost all of the other agents were at least ten or fifteen years my senior. None of them were Gundam pilots, although several were war veterans. A handful exhibited resentment toward me and the other two ex-pilots. I assume that jealousy motivates this reaction to us, we are rather young to be so highly placed in the organization, but at fifteen we saw more combat than many of the agents here today.

Chang Wufei and Trowa Barton are partnered with Doctor Sally Po and agent Marlee Wynters, respectively. Quatre Reberba Winner was asked to join but he has familial and corporate duties that preclude it. He consults on occasion.

I finished my latest mission report and clicked on the send icon. The information would be sent directly to Commander Une's office. For the moment I was idle. A knock sounded lightly on the glass pane of the door to my office. I sighed, resigned. No doubt I would have my next partner foisted on me. I suspect that the secretaries wagered in a betting pool on how long my partners would last.

The door swung open upon my greeting. Chang stepped in the doorway but did not enter the room fully. "Chang," I said perplexed. It was unusual for him to stop by while on duty; he was a real stickler for strict professionalism. Out of work he was pleasant, jovial company. No, _really_.

"Yuy. I was asked to introduce you to your new partner," he said in answer to my unasked question. I leaned forward in my chair. This was a most curious development. But before any possible reasons or explanations for Chang's smugness could surface within my brain, my ears were assaulted by the brash, loud voice of Duo Maxwell. He sauntered past Chang with a huge grin plastered on his face. "Heya, Heero! Long time no see-how're they hanging?"

My eyes widened and then I grimaced at the sound of Chang Wufei choking back a laugh. Too stunned to respond I just stared at Duo, who was still smiling that dopey smile. "I always knew you had an economy with words Heero, but damn, break out a coupon or something!"

Apparently that was the last straw for Chang. "Good luck, Yuy," he chuckled as he made his retreat. His stilted guffaws could be heard down the hallway. "Duo," I said, having regained usage of my vocal cords. "What," my voice croaked and I had to clear it, "what are you doing here?"

He cocked his head at me with an amused expression on his face. "Um-I thought that would be obvious. I'm a Preventer now."

"You are my new partner?"

"Yup. I can see how thrilled you are. How about we have lunch later and catch up? Right now I have to settle in, 'kay?"

" 'kay-I mean, uh-uh, right. G-go ahead," I stammered stupidly.

* * *

Duo was shoveling macaroni and cheese into his mouth rapidly. He had not lost that habit, I noted with a slight frown. I sat opposite him at the table carefully placing my lunch tray on its surface. My lunch consisted of a turkey club sandwich, bottle of green tea and a green salad. Duo finished his macaroni and started on a salami sandwich, intermittently slurping down a Doctor Pepper. As I began eating I took in his appearance.

We had not seen each other in nearly two years now, but evidently those two years were kind to him. None of the five of us Gundam pilots had been terribly tall-well, except Trowa. We all went through delayed growth spurts after we were released from our culpability for our part in the wars, and gained access to good medical attention and nutrition, but despite having had his own spurt Duo was still a little smaller than I. Perhaps it was his genetics, no one could say for sure: like me Duo was an orphan; nevertheless his growth had not been inhibited by a lack of food.

He smiled at me as he forked a piece of apple pie from his plate. I had the urge to implore him to take human bites and I scowled. That would have been a joke. I didn't know how well Duo would take it.

I finished my own lunch and then I asked, "so what are you doing here? I thought you had returned to make your fortune in L2 running a scrap yard with that girlfriend of yours-what was her name, Heide?"

"Hilde," he scowled. _Oh. I seem to have offended him. What did I say_?

"This is not going to work if you're just gonna rag on me, Yuy."

I really did not mean to offend him. I thought I was making conversation-see this is where I get into trouble on occasion, not recognizing if I've offended someone. "I apologize," I said automatically. I wondered why he was acting so slighted. Of course, I didn't have to sound so, I don't know, snide, I suppose. "I guess it just-well, you showing up......took me by surprise. But you're right. I should be welcoming you. Welcome Duo." _What did I say this time?_ Now Duo was looking at me like I had two heads and one of them was plaid.

After lunch Une saddled us both with a fact finding assignment. We pored over lists of web sites suspected of hiding drug run information. Our task was to single out unusual sites and investigate them. It was tedious but I was used to such monotony. Duo, however was becoming fidgety after having been at it for nearly three hours. Ah yes, paperwork was _not_ Duo's forte.

A few minutes later I became aware that I was being stared at. I looked over at Duo's desk. He was looking at me with a funny expression on his face, like he wanted to say something, but did not know how. "What?" I said, wondering if I looked odd, maybe my fly was undone. I was too self-conscious to check. Duo shook his head as if he was just waking up. "Nothing, really. I was, uh-well, I just got here, y'know and I don't really know too many people and the other guys are busy and I don't know where to eat......or, anything, so......."

Ah. He just wanted company for dinner. I was on the verge of suggesting someplace we could go when I remembered my appointment. "You should try Scobee's on Turner Road. It's a diner-a good one, you'll probably like the deluxe burger."

His face fell a little once he realized I wasn't going to go with him. "Thanks, man."

He rose from his chair and grabbed his Preventer issue jacket. "Night, Heero," he said quietly as he walked out into the hall.

* * *

No matter how hard I tried I just could not relax in Doctor Rodger's office. The sofa was buttery soft leather, cushions nice and plush, but I was just too uncomfortable. It was one thing to discuss how I felt in ordinary life situations, but this was more than that. It was not only my feelings under scrutiny, but my physiognomy as well.

I'm sighing now-this is me sighing.

My problem, how to admit this, it's so hard............actually, _it's not_. That's the problem.

This is so humiliating, to have to admit that the once Perfect Soldier (read: _Me_) is unable to.....get my _little soldier _(and he's not that _little_, by the way) to stand at attention. Yes, it has been a problem for a while, and yes, it was a bone (no pun intended) of contention between me and Relena.

This is my third session with Doctor Rodgers. This is what I hate about therapy: you go in for a specific issue, and the next thing you know, your childhood with all of its disappointments and inadequacies, is being analyzed. I feel like a bug under a microscope lens. But since I have already had therapy and been through a battery of psychological tests, the subject of my therapy this time around thankfully excludes discussion of my past.

Doctor Rodgers, however, is concerned that my..........deficit might be due to on the job stress or injury, the latter being more likely than the former.

She gazes at me thoughtfully, tapping her chin lightly with her pen. "Agent Yuy, I would like you to see Doctor Po for a comprehensive physical."

"Nani?" I blurt out, surprised. I don't usually launch into Japanese spontaneously, she caught me off guard. "I feel perfectly healthy, Doctor Rodgers."

"That's fine, Agent Yuy, but you have suffered quite a number of job-related injuries. Perhaps there is neural damage. Perhaps not. I'd like to rule out physical causes before we continue working together."

I nod my head curtly. Of course what she proposes is perfectly logical, but I do not relish the thought of Sally being apprised of my situation. Particularly since she is dating Wufei. Don't get me wrong-I am not suggesting that Sally would ever act unprofessionally, but it would just be weird, having a close friend's girlfriend knowing about my inadequacy.


	3. Chapter 3

A.N. If you have gotten this far I'd like to make a few clarifications: A few of the chapters were combined because of the brevity of some of them.

If it seems as though Heero vacillates and is repetitive that is intentional to illustrate his confusion over his dilemma.

-3-

"None of these check out, Heero," Duo said slapping shut the cream colored file on his desk in disgust. We have been working around the clock looking for anything, bills of lading, rental contracts, something we could use to incriminate the Forbes Shipping company. We suspected that the company was in reality a front for a large drug cartel. "The only headway we'll make on this case is through 'surveillance'," Duo said. I grunted in agreement and he smirked at me. "Still as talkative as ever, huh, buddy?"

"Right," I smirk back at him. "Let's get some dinner, what do you say?"

"Oh." He looks surprised for some reason. "Okay. How about Scobee? You were right about that place-the deluxe burger, I mean."

We sit in a booth in the back of the diner, two tables away from the restrooms. Normally I like to be closer to the exits and in a position to gauge possible threats, but-it feels safe and Duo and I are perfectly capable of dealing with trouble.

"This really is a great burger," Duo says between bites. It pleases me that he likes the place. After he finishes he leans back against the plush vinyl of the bench and pats his stomach. I can't help the grin that spreads across my lips. Duo always did enjoy food in such a demonstrative manner.

"So," he says breathily in a tone that suggests he means to ask me something I will be uncomfortable answering, "what happened with you and the princess? I was pretty shocked to hear that your nuptials were called off."

I stare at him. I am not all that uncomfortable discussing this, but I just don't know what to say. Suddenly Duo's face frowns. "Sorry. I guess I shouldn't be asking you this-none of my business."

"No. No-it's okay. I just haven't discussed it with anyone. I don't know how to explain it." (Without also admitting to my....._problem_).

"You seemed so perfect for each other," he says without any conviction.

"I am sick of hearing about 'perfect', you know? Nothing is perfect-least of all me. I guess......I guess the bare bones truth is that I love Relena, but I'm not _in_ love with her. Maybe I have old-fashioned ideas about the person I'm supposed to marry." _Huh. Where did that come from_?

"Yeah," he looks at me as if he's seeing me for the first time. "Heero, if you weren't sure or in love then I think you did the right thing."

I laugh bitterly. "Not too many people agree with you, in fact I can think of several." (Relena, Pargan, Dorothy, but oddly, _not_ Milliardo).

"Psht! Don't worry about anybody else. Quatre will get over it-hey, he can afford the gravy boat he probably gave you!"

This startles a genuine laugh out of me. "Actually Quatre said that he could feel that it wasn't right for us-for me. And it was an expensive mixer."

"So, what? Relena sitting around sticking pins in little Heero dolls?"

I think about my _problem_ for a second. That is as good an explanation as any.

* * *

-4-

Okay, I need to gloss over this as quickly as possible because I just don't like thinking about it: I saw Sally and by the end of the week my test results were available. Everything checked out normal, in fact Sally said I was in better shape than ever physically. She was not given the details of my request-the tests Dr. Rodgers ordered were routine; consequently I was granted a reprieve in regard to the intimate subject matter of my..............damn it, _impotence_.

So where did that leave me? Dr. Rodgers suggested some sort of delayed post traumatic stress left over from the wars, but I wasn't buying it. Honestly, it didn't feel to me as if there were a psychological cause. The good doctor recommended some therapies to help me relax, calm me, help me find my center. I was beginning to feel as if the woman was a walking cliché festival. Next she'd be suggesting that I join a commune. I have to admit-I was getting apprehensive, so I followed her instructions to some degree. I can't describe in adequate terms how odd it was to take a bath in scented lavender bath oils. If the other pilots were to find out I'd never live it down-especially if Duo knew.

I sat at my desk contemplating my life. I was thoroughly confused. Why was Relena so unattractive to me? She was sweet and kind, if not a tad overemotional and entirely too sentimental, but what should that matter? She was also very beautiful. Hey, I have problems, but blindness isn't one of them.

I was nudged from introspection from the sound of Duo's voice. He was on the phone and he sounded agitated. "Yeah, well that's all well and good, Hil, but......."

He rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. It was fairly obvious that it was Hilde on the other end of the phone. "No. Because. Because I said so. Well that's too bad. I am not being hardheaded."

My curiosity was peaked by his end of the conversation. Was it a lovers' spat? I wondered since Duo joined Preventer's how she was dealing with their separation. L2 was a long way from Earth. For some reason the thought of discord between them filled me with glee. And guilt over said glee. Had I become so pathetic that I wanted company in my misery?

Duo sighed loudly. "Okay. I said I will think about it. If I do you will owe me big, y'hear? All right, sweetie, bye."

Duo looked at me and flashed an exasperated grin. "Sheesh! Women."

"Trouble?" I asked, trying to sound indifferent.

"Nah-not really. It's stupid really."

I waited, knowing that he would tell me. Duo could never stay quiet for long. Not while conscious, at least.

I watched as he stretched his arms over his head with a loud yawn. He grinned at me again. "Hilde's fiancé has a sister and Hilde wants me to be her escort to their wedding. I hate set ups, y'know? Plus I've heard a few things about the girl. Don't get me wrong-I don't usually judge books by their covers but I seen pictures and well, I have to draw the line at hairy arm pits and facial stubble. I mean-it's not like she's BC French or something."

I can't help but laugh-the imagery is too funny. And the tid bit that Hilde is getting married-to someone else makes me inexplicably lightheaded. "Don't say that in front of Trowa," I caution him.

"Say what?" Trowa stood in the doorway. Duo and I erupt with laughter. When he calmed down enough to tell him, Trowa rolled his eyes. "Levity aside, I stopped by to remind you two about our monthly poker game. Quatre will not take no for an answer."

"I'll bring beer," Duo volunteers.

I merely grunt. A night out with real friends is just the thing I need right now.

* * *

The poker game was lively and raucous with friendly rivalry. Quatre won entirely too many hands; by the end of the evening Duo was playfully accusing him of cheating, to which Quatre merely grinned and said, "house rules, Shinigami."

Duo had everyone in stitches regaling them with tales of his former employment at the scrap yard. He even told them about Hilde's future sister-in-law, facial hair and all. When he repeated his anti-French comment Trowa moved to smack him on the back of the head, something done in jest, but I did not like it one bit. Then Quatre asked the question I did not dare: "Duo-what happened with Hilde? I always thought you two were an item?"

Duo grimaced. "Apparently Hilde wasn't the _only_ one who thought that. I don't know how that got started, Cat. I mean, I really love her, but she's the sister I never had, ya know? I was sorry she took it the wrong way, in fact we had quite a brouhaha over it. I can't help it if I'm a heartbreaker," he added facetiously. Wufei threw the deck of cards at him. "52 card pickup, Romeo."

Duo stuck his tongue out at him in response. I suddenly felt two things at once: relief at Duo's explanation regarding his relationship with Hilde and annoyance at the other pilots for picking on him. Before I could decide to do or say anything, Wufei pointed out that we all had early starts the next day and consequently the party broke up for the evening.

* * *

It has been a couple of weeks since I last saw Dr. Rodgers. We came to the mutual conclusion that my concern over my.......situation was probably making it worse. It was a vicious circle kind of thing: I needed to relax, but I keep thinking about it and then I get more tense, so how the hell can I relax? I needed a break.

Of course, that was not going to happen, not after listening to my answering machine when I got home from work last night. Relena called to let me know she was coming earth-side. Great. Well, _that_ certainly wasn't going to help my problem. Okay, I'll come clean now, no pun intended. Part of the reason I finally gathered enough courage to break it off with her is because I can't get it up for her. Blunt enough? Crudeness aside, impotence and marriage are a bad mix. Not to mention the fact that I _really_ did not want to get married. To Relena or anybody.

So now I was going to have to deal with her "impromptu" visit. One of the things I find most annoying about her is how she keeps forcing her company on me. During the war Duo used to refer to her as my own personal little stalker. Then I'd glare at him and once in a while if I was feeling particularly upbeat I'd cuff him on the back of his head.

I sometimes wonder about the two of them. I once ripped up an invitation to a party Relena was holding right in front of her face. The stricken look in her eyes was pitiable, and yet she forgave my thoughtless cruelty, time and time again, for that matter.

Duo on the other hand was obnoxious and relentless. No matter what I did or said, the little thief was determined to befriend me.

Why he succeeded where she failed is a mystery to me.

I made a decision. I was suddenly about to swamped with work, so I hoped that Relena would understand.

_Coward_.


	4. Chapter 4

Short chapter alert. I dunno-sometimes it seems so much longer on my computer.

-5-

Well, so far so good. Relena has called my home phone three times and my office phone twice that, only to be told that I am unusually busy. Duo snickers every time the phone buzzes, damn him, and I made sure that it was turned on audio only. I would not want to add insult to injury by letting her inadvertently see my partner's highly unprofessional expressions.

I am busy logging in recent data that suggests illegal activity in the northwest warehouse district when the phone goes off again. I keep typing because this is important: all evidence that I have collected to date is indicative of drug importation. It's a new substance on the street called "Straife" and it is more addictive than heroin ever was and twice as fatal twice as fast. The phone is practically wriggling on the handset. I can feel violet eyes on me. "Leave it Duo-I cannot be interrupted now."

"Sure thing, buddy." But his actions belie his words as he moves to grab the receiver. In the worst Swedish accent I have ever heard he says, "Ya? Guut daggen. Ken I hep you?"

I try not to envision Relena's end of the conversation.

"Noh, noh. I ave nefer heerd of a Heeeero, Yuey. Ahhh. Well. Auf wiedersein."

That does it, I laugh, I _have_ to. "Good grief Duo-you mixed your atrocious Swedish with your even worse German," I manage between giggles. _Stop it Yuy, you have vital work to do_. Duo is grinning widely at me. "Maybe so, but it bought us a little respite from the princess I'll bet."

I finish an entry. It is not lost on me that he said, _us_. "Duo, Relena is not stupid, you shouldn't underestimate her."

"Oh, I'm not," he's quick to answer, "but I confused her-however temporarily. Are you nearly done there?"

"Yeah." It doesn't occur to me to wonder why I can't afford the distraction of Ms. Peacecraft, yet Duo neither distracts nor bothers me.

Later that day Duo and I decide to eat at the diner. It has become our hangout. I wolf down some excellent broiled chicken, relieved to be done with what turned out to be a long day. But I know it is only a matter of time. I will have to see Relena sooner or later. That is what prompts me to answer my cell when it goes off while we're having coffee. "Relena," I state calmly.

"Heero, you're not going to tell me that you are still too busy to see me." I wince at the sound of her feminine yet commanding voice. Duo eyes me strangely, yet thankfully keeps silent. I realize that I have zoned out on Relena. She is saying something about....lunch? Or is it dinner? "Could you repeat that please, Relena?"

She huffs in frustration. I guess she knows I was only listening with half an ear. "Heero," she drags it out slowly, "I would like to meet you for dinner tomorrow evening at Cepal. After you are done at work."

"Yes, certainly. I will see you tomorrow. Goodnight."

Duo exhales. Why he seems tense is a mystery to me.

"I have to meet her for dinner."

"Oh?"

"Hn. It is inevitable, better to just get it over with."

"Right."

There is something about the way he says it that seems odd but I am too weary to puzzle it out.

Cepal is bustling with activity. The restaurant boasts a weird combination of Chinese/ Nepalese cuisine and I stick with a fish salad, hoping it won't keep me up all night. Relena tuts reproachfully at my order and proceeds to order the most elaborate dish on the menu, something loaded with _yak_ and saffron. She won't eat it, she always does this in restaurants: orders the most expensive and outlandish meal offered, doesn't eat it but takes it to go. She is under the impression that the former Queen of the World must keep up appearances by choosing sophisticated entrees. She thinks it makes the staff feel good. I abhor the phoniness of the whole thing but of course I would never say so.

The meal is eaten quietly at first. Relena makes a fleeting face when she takes the most miniscule taste of her food. The fork is returned to rest on her napkin gracefully. She sips demurely from her glass of chardonnay. "How have you been, Heero? I mean, _really_."

It irks me slightly that she assumes my initial answer will be false, but I have nothing to gain by being belligerent. "I _really_ am_ fine_," I say as blandly as possible. I entertain the vague fear that her visit has a hidden agenda.

"I can tell that something is a bit off with you, darling."

_Damn. Darling_. Apparently her agenda is not _that_ hidden. "I couldn't be better, Relena," I try again. "You needn't concern yourself."

She graces me with a perky little smirk. "Needn't concern myself? Oh, Heero. I don't know how you can say this to me-I was almost your wife!"

_Don't remind me_. "Relena, if you are worried about....."

"I am only worried about your well-being, darling."

I can feel myself getting agitated. I don't like it when people interrupt me. My fist clenches my fancy linen napkin on my knee.

"I came to make sure you are well. I sometimes think it was a mistake not to enter into counseling."

_What_?! I clear my throat. "Why would I need counseling?"

"Oh, not _you_," she waves her hand dismissively. "_Us_. Perhaps we would be happily married by now had we done so."

Ah. I see. Agenda fully revealed now. "Well," I say airily, "I think you should be glad having dodged that bullet. I know it hurt you to find out that I did not want to get married. I am still very sorry about that-I never meant to lead you on or hurt you,"

"Heero....."

"but backing out of an engagement before any real damage is done is not a sign of a person in need of therapy. I think it proves the opposite, don't you?"

* * *

Ms. Peacecraft was escorted back to her hotel by her faithful but ancient guardian Pargan. Don't let the old coot fool you: he still has a mean bag of tricks and is fiercely loyal to Relena.

I don't think I will ever forget the look on her face after dinner ended. She was not pleased.

Thankfully she never brought up the subject of my..........._disinterest_. I think the main reason for this is that as embarrassing as it is for me, it is equally so for her. After all, no woman likes to think her man can't get aroused by her. Not that I'm her man. I don't think that ever was true-not really.

I had some trouble sleeping that night. I guess you could say I had a guilty conscience, and I probably did but it did not mean that I ever intentionally hurt Relena.

* * *

After my stint as her body guard I felt at loose ends. Everyone I knew in the war had found their niches in life. I was unsure as to my viability in a world during peace time.

I actually stayed very briefly with Duo and Hilde before we lost contact but I always felt like the proverbial fifth wheel. And I strongly suspected that Hilde did not like me. Her broad grin and vigorous waving when I departed confirmed it for me. Duo tried to get me to stay but it was not in me to come between them. I thought they had been a couple and it really surprised me the other day to hear Duo talk about Hilde getting married.

Anyway, back when Relena caught up to me she came on strong. I went along with it, deferring to her "good" sense. It wasn't until we were down to the last details of the wedding that I realized that I simply could not go through with it.

I grabbed a beer. It was a bad idea to rehash all this. Better to "self-medicate" my angst away.


	5. Chapter 5

-6-

The next day my head throbbed painfully. _Note to self: self medication-not such a good idea_. After three cups of black coffee I headed downtown to headquarters.

I was sullen, irritable and moody. The caffeine was, on retrospect, a mistake.

I sincerely hoped that Duo would leave me alone today. I stalked over to my desk, booted up my laptop and got straight to work. Miraculously, Duo either was too busy to pester me or somehow had picked up on my mood. Good.

Two days later I noticed that Duo had not been talking to me much, nor did I suffer any of his jocularity. I chalked it up to us being busy with our current case.

In the mean time, I came to an important decision: I was going to start dating.

The following week came and went in a blur. I went out twice with one of the office secretaries, a lovely brunette named Celia Webb. She was petite and pale and her even features showed a trace of Japanese in her heritage. On paper she was perfect for me. In reality we had little in common. For one thing she seemed a little awe struck by my reputation. I was the one who had to initiate conversation. Stop laughing. As one might imagine, it made for a lot of awkwardness between us. Besides, I did not feel the least particle of physical attraction and she was even prettier than Relena. I'll deny that statement until my dying day. Luckily she agreed with me about the lack of "sparks" between us or our parting could have been really awkward.

Not one to give up easily I decided to ask my next door neighbor out. I know what you're thinking: bad move; if it doesn't work out I'm stuck with someone hostile knowing where I live. Well, it didn't work out, but I'd like to think it was due to the fact that Dora's ex-boyfriend reconciled with her. The fact that I did not feel attracted to her had nothing to do with it, nope.

The dating thing served one purpose at least: it gave me something to do. Yes, something sometimes turned out to be rather boring: chick flicks, shopping at the mall and on one occasion a visit to a doll museum. _Please_. I know, I know-Heero Yuy at a doll museum! Trowa and Duo never let me hear the end of that one, while Chang merely sneered disdainfully at me and muttered something about mindless onnas. That would have been insulting but sometimes justice has a great sense of humor because Wufei made the tactical error of making his comments within earshot of his girlfriend. I got the last laugh on that one. Oh, and Quatre wanted to know where the doll museum is. He said it was for his young nieces. _Sure Quatre_.

Eventually I let up on the dating, having found no one suitable. That was fine by me. I started hanging out with the guys a little more often, especially Duo. At first he was reluctant to do things with me-said he didn't want to cramp my style with the ladies. I finally convinced him to hang out when I got tickets to see a retrospective of some filmmaker of the BC era, a guy named Mel Brooks. The films he made were surprisingly funny. Duo really enjoyed himself the night we went. I had a pretty good time myself.

After that we started doing things regularly after work: basketball, spotting each other at the gym, movies, poker night of course, and we were regulars at Scobee, with the occasional addition of Wufei, Sally, Trowa and Quatre.

I was still going to Dr. Rodgers but I was no closer to resolving my......_problem_. Weirdly enough, I was no longer bothered by it much.

* * *

-7-

I was making my way down the corridor on my way to my office when I heard voices. Quatre seemed to be entreating Duo to go out socially. "Duo, lately all you do is hang around with us."

"I didn't know I had worn out my welcome, Cat," he said bitterly. I was surprised by this and completely riveted. I had no idea that Duo did not date, in truth it never occurred to me to ask. I stood there, eavesdropping like, like..............Relena.

"Maxwell, I think Winner is merely pointing out that you have been, shall we say, testy of late. Some female companionship would benefit you." That was Wufei's voice. I wondered since when did my stoic colleague give a damn whether or not a fellow agent dated. Duo responded, but it was muffled and I could not hear it. "I said I'm not looking for a quick lay, Fei."

"It would help. You practically bit off the lunch server's head yesterday."

I heard Duo sigh loudly. I had noticed a certain tension from my braided partner lately. I just thought he was frustrated by our inability to resolve our current case. The voices continued and I realized ruefully that I missed some of the conversation. _Damn_. Then Duo said, "Guys, I appreciate your concern. I'll try not to be so.........belligerent, okay?"

"I still think you need to get laid," Wufei muttered.

"What I need," Duo sighed again, "is some loving-not mindless, emotionless sex."

I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about what I had overheard. Duo was lonely? But we had been doing things together for weeks. I suppose that it wasn't enough for someone as affectionate and gregarious as Duo. But for some reason the idea of him dating made me ill at ease.

Since I am not particularly adept at offering comfort, particularly when I am not officially privy to someone's feelings I offer Duo the only thing that makes sense to me: physical activity. We go to the Preventer gym and play basketball. That is what men do-work off frustration, loneliness, sadness, happiness, hell _any_ kind of emotion-with sports. And Duo has always been touchy-feely, very physical so he jumps at the opportunity to play.

It worked very well for me because I don't need to talk much. Relena always wanted to talk things out. That amounted to _a lot_ of talking, more than any _normal_ person would do because she was a diplomat. It seems that the main trouble between us was, of course, me. Well what in god's name did she expect, anyway? Did she think that J prepared me for political benefits and luncheons? And I never got a word in edgewise. Don't laugh.

* * *

Duo almost manages to outscore me but I am the better athlete, enhancements not withstanding. He's bent over at the waist breathing hard and using the edge of his tank top to wipe sweat off of his face. I notice the lean, sculpted musculature of his abdomen and admire him. I am a bit of a snob when it comes to bodies: I can't tolerate flab, it just speaks of self-indulgence and sloth. I know, I know, castigate me later, unless you don't _want_ to hear the rest of the story?

* * *

We're still working on the drug case and not getting any leads. Dr. Rogers thinks that the resultant frustration is contributing to my problem. Honestly, the lack of libido and consequent reaction really doesn't bother me. Well, it does bother me because I'm still in session with the good doctor, but not in the way one would think. I just don't like my body doing, or not doing something without my consent or control. There is the crux of it: I am a good old fashioned control-freak.

There is something else. Friday night Duo and I went to the diner. An old acquaintance stopped by our table to talk to Duo. She was a very pretty, very buxom blonde that he knew through Hilde. When she grabbed him and all but mauled him, I felt.............well, that's just it-I don't know what I felt, but I knew I did not like seeing her arms around him like a, like a...... long lost lover or something.

A couple of days later I realized that I had been jealous.

That was after the denial.

And before the revelation.


	6. Chapter 6

-8-

Duo's mood swings were driving me crazy. One minute he was up and positively gregarious, the next he was quiet and sad. Quiet is never good on Duo. Quiet could range anywhere from suicidal mission runs to homicidal rants. Ask Bob Jones if he'll ever mention Jell-O around Duo again. No-you don't want to know, suffice it to say that it cost Duo two-weeks suspension and his very own time slot with Dr. Rodgers.

My own sessions with the psychiatrist had become awkward. All the things we had discussed so far, while a relief to be able to express myself, however limited, was not helping my situation. I know I've said repeatedly that it really didn't bother me. I also remember admitting to the control freak thing. All that is still true, but not. I know, I know-I'm making less and less sense. I just feel like I ought to have command of my body-should the need arise.

I've never been much of a sexual person. I have a healthy appreciation for beauty, but I can't say I've ever been overwhelmed by lustful desires. And yes, I do practice "stress relief" on occasion, or at least I _used_ to; in fact Dr. Rodgers prescribed it as therapy which was pointless, given my _condition_. I suppose this is the legacy of J's dubious experiments to make me the ultimate fighting machine. Thought I was going to say "perfect soldier", didn't you?

"Dr. Rodgers, I think I should discontinue our sessions. I no longer feel that we are getting anywhere."

"On the contrary, Agent Yuy-I think you have made great strides."

I look at her with what I know has to be incredulity. "How so?"

"Your communicative skills alone have improved. You have also increased your socialization by maintaining your friendships and dating. It is of course your decision, but I recommend that you give our sessions more time. If nothing else, it is a good and acceptable venue for venting, something that must be beneficial given the stresses that your work exposes you to."

"Hn," I grunt, well aware of the irony. I did not expect this argument. I consider her words while she sits in her leather armchair patiently. I take a few seconds for self-assessment. I suppose what the doctor has pointed out to me has a certain aspect of validity, but if it does, then it is actually further argument for why I should end my therapy. I tell her this and she smiles. "Very well, Agent. But feel free to see me again if you have any further issues."

"You're not-upset?" I wonder aloud.

She graces me with a feminine little laugh. "Not at all. Agent Yuy, what you are experiencing is hardly catastrophic. I think based on our previous conversations that you are a healthy young man in body and mind, albeit perhaps a bit overworked."

Oh. Well. "Thank you."

* * *

"Well, that's just great," Duo is grumbling to himself when I enter our office. I cross the room to stand in front of him. "What?"

"There is a lead in the case."

"Great."

"Yeah, great," he grouses before I can ask any questions. "I have to go under cover."

"So?" I don't see the problem; Duo and I have both been under cover before.

He favors me with a caustic look. "S0-I have to pose as a junkie-from L2. And you know all that implies."

"Oh." Junkies from L2 are usually desperate and have no way to pay for their addiction save for their bodies. Duo has been asked to play the whore and his hackles are up.

* * *

The plan was as simple as it gets: Duo makes contact with our suspect posing as a strung out junkie. Once he scores the Straife, we move in and make the arrest. I have unanswered questions: why was making contact so elusive? Why is Duo so perturbed by this assignment? What did Trowa's partner have to do that shook her up so much? I have a sinking feeling she had to prove her sincerity to score the drug by "paying" the dealer with the customary L2 currency. If that's so then perhaps Dr. Rodgers will be adding a patient in the near future. Don't misunderstand me-I'm not being callous, what Ms. Wynters may have done is above and beyond the call of duty. It angers me that she might have been placed in such an untenable position, but unfortunately I believe that incident would by necessity be filed away under "occupational hazard." Any women reading this by now want my head on a platter-but may I point out that the same risks are open to us male agents. Ah. I think now I see Duo's problem.

Duo is, if you would attach adjectives to describe him: loyal, smart, personable, very kind, tough, tenderhearted and sensitive. He's a good agent not because he likes to make things go boom,(which he does, incidentally) but because he sees things the others don't. I suppose his observant nature comes from his time on the streets. You paid attention or you could end up dead. He could have been a formidable criminal had not Father Maxwell and Sister Helen intervened. He still gives me pause on that score on occasion. Nobody can pick a lock faster.

But Duo seems to have retained a certain innocence. I think it accounts for his shyness when it comes to women and dating.

Before we lost touch I got to know the former Deathscythe pilot about as well as I'd ever known anyone-even Relena. What rankled Duo, after struggling so long to get where he was was anyone thinking him a whore. It was beside the point that it would be an undercover role. And yesterday's meeting with Une did not help. Duo flat out demanded to know why he had to be "bait bitch". After smirking at him she replied, "because, Maxwell, you are well versed in L2 parlance and etiquette. And you are lean enough to look strung out and pretty enough for the dealer to gladly let you pay with your body. What you need to focus on is finding out who the big boss is and where the bulk of the merchandise is. Agent Wynters is going to introduce you as a friend who needs a score-bad."

After ascertaining that we had no further questions Une departed, leaving in her wake a livid, braided agent.

* * *

"Goddamn slime ball!" Duo was peeling off his tee shirt. He quickly donned a Preventer sweatshirt when Agent Wynters appeared at the door. She smiled ruefully at him. "Taggert, right? He's a regular charmer, isn't he?"

Duo scowled at her. "Don't go there," he warned. She shrugged and took the extra chair next to his desk. "Been there done that, agent. I know your pain."

Duo continued to glare. Agent Wynters glanced at me and I knew it was time to beat a hasty retreat.

Later, when it was safe to return, Duo seemed to be in a better mood, if you call less homicidal a better mood. I heartily wished I knew what Agent Wynters said to him.


	7. Chapter 7

This is probably the longest set of chapters in this story.

-9-

I don't want to bore you with the details of the biggest drug bust of the year. Duo, clever L2 native that he is managed to bait the ring leader while doing very little. He traded a few kisses and a hand job. _Damn_. Must've been a helluva hand job because Taggert brought him to the "boss", who presumably would have required more than what Duo gave Taggert. Duo wheedled the drug first, relying on his good looks to push the drug king into giving in. Well, good looks and a very convincing description of how he was willing to pay. Stupid prick had his jeans around his ankles when we swept the warehouse, cursing Duo as he cuffed him.

Duo was uncharacteristically silent in the Preventer wagon that transported us and the rest of the UC team back to HQ. It worried me a little, but I knew that nothing worse than what he told us about transpired. I could only assume that he was feeling grimy and stressed out from his part in the operation.

* * *

We were in the shower at headquarters. Duo was in the stall next to mine with his back turned to me. At first I just stared at him, floundering for something to say. I finally went with the old reliable. "Scobee's?" I asked. He turned to me as if he just realized I was there and where he was. He favored me with a crooked grin. "Yeah-be at your car in ten, okay?"

"Affirmative." I was greatly relieved. Duo was the only person I knew whose health, mental and physical could be gauged by his appetite.

Duo was on his second burger. I was amazed yet again by his ability to pack away the food. I told him so. He chuckled a little, the familiar spark returning to his eyes. "Sister Helen used to say that I had a hollow leg for food. Wish I did-would've been useful during my time on the streets."

His eyes dimmed a fraction then. I knew bits and pieces of his childhood on L2. Sounded horrible, but I had the overwhelming feeling that he needed to talk, so I asked about it.

"Ya know," he shrugged a little too casually, "we didn't get much-we scrounged for food wherever we could. Some of the kids sold themselves, yeah. There weren't a lot of choices. Ya did what ya had to. Nobody wants to die."

When Duo is overly stressed he reverts to L2 parlance. "And this assignment reminded you?"

"What?" He was indignant. "Hell no! I never sold myself, Yuy-Solo took better care of us than that."

"Sorry, I didn't mean......"

"Oh. Hey," his expression softened, "I know you didn't. Thanks for listening. This case, this damn case made me feel dirty. Not that I never did what I did before, just I......I want to do those things with someone I care about." He said this last with a scarlet face. And then I remembered the conversation I overheard. Duo wanted loving.

* * *

-10-

About a month later we were commended for that drug bust and Duo told Une in no uncertain terms that he would not be going undercover like that again. Evidently Une had already heard the same speech from agent Wynters.

Duo was in a good mood after having told the commander off so we went to the Preventer gym for a quick basketball game.

"Yuy, you're slipping-I'm ahead by four baskets," Duo panted as he attempted to steal away the ball. I shoved past him and one lay-up later I was only down by two. Duo laughed and chased me down the court. It was great to see him like this: cocky, spunky and happy. To think it was because he was spending time with me. _Oops, where did that come from_?

I watched as Duo drank from a bottle of water. His throat rippled enticingly while he drank, spilling some down his chin. I continued to watch him and my belly flared with an unaccustomed heat. As I eyed him, taut belly, muscular arms and shapely legs I felt myself stir. _What????? _I was aroused for the first time in forever and it was because of Duo Maxwell? I faked an excuse about a forgotten appointment and got myself the hell out of there.

* * *

At home I paced furiously. I was impotent with women, but not with men. That didn't seem right as I tried to picture good looking guys being intimate with me. Then I imagined the same things with Duo and it's a wonder I didn't spontaneously combust. But my little pal had awakened, well and raring to go. _Unbelievable_.

When I walked into our office the next day, Duo greeted me as if nothing weird was going on. I remembered that from his perspective nothing weird _was_ going on. Still, I took my seat and booted up my laptop, not wanting to face him.

I had been working for the better part of an hour when I realized that my partner had been speaking to me. "Hn?" _Real intelligent, Yuy._

"I said I'm going for coffee, do you want anything?"

_Yeah-you naked, spread out on my bed_. Oh dear god. "Tea would be good, thanks," I managed in a surprisingly steady voice. He gave me a little wave and ambled casually out the door.

When he returned he placed my cup of tea on the corner of my desk in deference to my computer. I mumbled my thanks and took a tentative sip. It was the right temperature, hot but not scalding and a hint of honey. It touched me that he was attentive enough to know how I took my tea. That was Duo all over: considerate, attentive and caring. Why hadn't he found someone? More importantly, how could I get him to "find" me?

I got home that night slightly frustrated, a bit horny and formulating a plan. It was crazy, I know-Duo was straight, for one thing or at least I believed he was, so why was I bothering? Because, ever since I admitted my attraction to myself it was as if a dam had burst loose, feelings of affection and desire rushing all through me and settling in my groin.

* * *

The following week I resolved to woo Duo; for what it was worth I'd never wooed anyone before and I imagined it to be similar to what we were already doing minus the romance and sex.

On Monday I treated him to lunch at Scobee's. He was surprised but delighted-I think. It was a start and we had a really good time.

It rained all day Tuesday so I invited him to see a special art exhibit at the museum on BC art forms. I really learned a lot that evening, a lot about art and about Duo. We were in a gallery filled with Expressionist paintings when Duo gestured to the holo-painting of The Scream, by Edvard Munch. Duo eyed it, lost in thought when finally he turned to me and said, "sometimes I feel just like that, when I've had nightmares. The one I have about Maxwell Church in flames is the worst, ya know? It was the only home I'd ever known, and it was gone," he snapped his fingers, "just like that. I can't believe that I did all that I did during the war, it seems so surreal. I like this painting. It makes me feel, even if the feelings are remorse and anger."

I did not know what to say to that. "They say good art evokes an emotional response. Maybe that is what the artist intended, like a form of therapy."

Duo laughed at that. "Yeah-looking at these paintings is somewhat therapeutic, hell it's cheaper than Dr. Rodgers!"

I smiled at him and he bumped me companionably as we made our way into the next gallery. I admired him in that moment: he was a testament to resilience and perseverance. I was never more attracted to him.

Wednesday I did not see him after work. I was foiled by Relena. I came home to find her guarding my apartment door. I sighed heavily. "Hello, Relena, what are you doing here?"

"Heero," she sounded petulant, "must you seem so unhappy to see me?"

I stuck my key card into my door. The green light blipped and the door slid open with a quiet swish. I gestured toward her. "Ladies first," I said as I followed her inside.

Relena had herself arranged prettily on my burgundy suede sofa. It was the only piece of furniture I owned that she approved of. She was sipping daintily at the glass of chardonnay I offered her. She had been strangely quiet the whole time and I finally lost patience. "Relena, are you going to tell me why you are here?"

"Well, I have something to tell you, but I feel it's a bit awkward."

What could she have to say? Was she ill? Had she committed some sort of crime? Worried, I frowned and told her, " just say it, Relena. How bad could it be?"

"All right-if you insist. I hope it doesn't upset you, but-I'm getting married."

Upset _me_? I wondered if it would upset _her_ if I got on my feet and did a happy dance? "That's great! I mean-congratulations, Relena. Who is the lucky guy?"

The question is met by a frown. "He is the treasurer for X12765, we met several months ago at the inter-colony economics conference and we really hit it off."

"That's great-he sounds.......great! I am really happy for you. When's the wedding?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Heero," her voice was ice, "you don't have to sound so very pleased!"

_Huh_? I know I still need work on my interpersonal skills but I had thought that congratulations was the right response. Relena seemed downright angry with me.

* * *

I recounted Relena's visit to Dr. Rodgers.(I know I had officially ended my sessions with her but this seemed like an emergency. Relena was pretty upset last night and I have two shattered wine glasses to prove it).

"Why do you suppose that your ex-fianceé was angered by your response to her impending marriage, agent Yuy?"

"I don't know doctor-as I already told you I was positive that I reacted appropriately."

The doctor's eyebrows arched minutely. "Hmm. Well, I think perhaps Ms. Peacecraft-Darlian was hoping for a different response altogether."

"Hn?"

She smiled and it felt a little condescending which irritated me. If I lived to be a hundred I would never understand women. "Agent Yuy, I believe your fiancée was anticipating that you might react jealously."

_What_? "What? Why should I be jealous?"

"Many men react as such, when they find out a former girlfriend, or in your case a former fiancée is with another man. Personally I think it taps into an evolutionary instinct-man protects his territory, so to speak. You were I believe, supposed to get jealous and reconcile with her."

I rolled my eyes. That was _so_ not going to happen. Ever.

It was Thursday. Duo agreed to wait for me after my appointment was over. I strolled down the corridor to the elevator and spotted him leaning against the wall. "Duo."

He looked up and the smile he gave me made my heart swell. "Everything go okay, buddy?"

"Yes, fine." I did not need to say anything else, and Duo did not seem to need me to. That was one of the things I liked best about him; our silences were rarely awkward, we could just "be" around each other. Oh yeah, I had it bad and I needed to figure out how to do something about it.

The movie was stupid-an action flick with nothing but plotless explosions. Even Duo thought so. During the movie he whispered to me, "Hilde once told me that if a filmmaker made a movie with nothing but car chases, explosions and shots of big boobs and called it Kaboom, they'd make a mint!"

I laughed while he proceeded to improvise the lousy excuse for dialogue. He was far more entertaining than the film was.

I got home after dropping Duo off at his place. That had been weird. I felt like something was missing, heh, maybe the goodnight kiss. I wonder what would have happened if............Well, I drove home feeling rather anxious.

I feel compelled to state that I had no intention in discussing my new found orientation with the therapist. I don't think it is necessary to analyze it: I am gay. End of story. Okay, and I lust after my best friend. What's to analyze?

* * *

I booted up my trusty laptop and did some research.

One of the things I researched on the internet was how to get tickets to a rock concert I was sure Duo would want to go to: Crippled Grapes. I know-the name is ridiculous, but they play a classic style rock Duo says he likes, a lot.

On Friday after lunch I surprise Duo with the tickets. For a scary moment it seems like he's going to ask someone _else_ to go with him. He asks me, almost shyly if I want to go and the look on his face is priceless when I say yes.

The concert is on Saturday. Most of the morning is spent on the net trying to make sure I have all my info correct. I'm really nervous-I never had a real date with a guy before. Okay, I know calling it a date is premature, but that's what it feels like.

By noon I'm a bundle of nerves so I go for a run. Exercise always calms my nerves. I find myself at a coffee shop near Preventer Headquarters and I stop in for a chai. "Yuy," Wufei startles me, "what are you doing here on your day off?"

"Just out for a run, Chang. I decided I wanted a chai."

Wufei grimaces. He can't stand those "fancy" teas, but he does like a good Colombian blend. He takes a table toward the rear of the shop and invites me to sit with him. I feel a little self-conscious; my run was a good 5k, I'm probably stinking.

We chat briefly about work and Sally. Wufei is taking her to an opera tonight-the BC classic Aida. He complains but there's no sincerity to it, he is clearly smitten with Dr. Po. In an uncharacteristic show of nosiness he asks, "how is your love life, lately, Yuy?"

I ponder why he asks such a thing, then realize I have yet to answer. "Nonexistent," I answer honestly. He raises a fine eyebrow at my answer. "Really? I thought you were dating all those different women?"

"None of them suited."

"Hmm. I wonder."

Obviously he has something on his mind. I wish he would just say it. He takes a sip of his coffee and it maddens me. Can _anyone_ be direct? "Have you got something on your mind, Chang," I ask tersely.

"No-not really," he says nonchalantly. "Except-perhaps you are seeking companionship in the wrong places. Perhaps it is nearer to you than you know. If so, know that your friends are your friends and that acceptance is part of that friendship. Oh-look at the time. I must be off. Have a pleasant day, Yuy." And with that parting statement he quickly exits the shop, leaving me to wonder at that bit of inscrutability.

It's evening and I am getting ready to pick Duo up. He wanted to meet me, but I know that he hasn't found a car he likes yet and that means he would be taking the bus so I insisted. He didn't argue too hard.

I dithered about my clothing; how to wear something that was nice, but attractive in a subliminal way? I didn't want to be too obvious about my intentions. When I was finally ready I took an appraising look at myself in the hall mirror. I had settled on a new pair of jeans and an aqua tee shirt, appropriate concert wear, but subtly sexy in the way my musculature showed. I mentioned before-I am a fitness snob. But I am not vain, not really. I scrutinized my face in the mirror looking for any stray zits or hairs. Yeah, I'm nineteen-I break out occasionally, hell anyone with hormones does, just some more than others.

Relena used to go on a mad pimple search before she went out, especially if it was during _that_ time of the month. I knew to keep my distance then. Everyone did, even Pargan. In Relena's case I swear PMS means psychotic maiming sociopath. It's weird how thoughts of her surface in my mind every now and then but I suppose that since we were going to get married it is only natural that she'd gotten under my skin a little bit.

I found out after her little visit that she called off the wedding. I guess Dr. Rodgers was right, it was only a ploy. Perhaps Relena could benefit from her counseling.

I returned my attention to my reflection. I am not naturally hirsute but I do on occasion grow this wild mad scientist hair above my right eyebrow. I don't usually notice it until I have the sensation of a hair in my eyes that I can't get rid of. Then I remember it and pluck it. It grows pretty long and is so fine it's nearly translucent. Thankfully there is no sign of it tonight. I also do a check to see that my nose hairs are not unsightly-I mean who wants to be close-up and personal and see an ingrown mustache coming at you? Not that Duo and I will be getting up-close and personal, but I don't think I should gross him out on this pseudo date that only one of us is aware of.

Fleetingly I wonder if women go through this check before a date. Women are much more refined in my opinion. They probably look over their hair and makeup, check for runs in their stockings, things like that. The last things I checked were my fly and to make sure I didn't have a booger in a bad place. Hey, I'm a guy-I fart, burp, and scratch myself. But not on a date.

* * *

Duo is ready to go when I pick him up. He looks fantastic. He is wearing a pair of tight black jeans and a tattered tee shirt, black of course, with rips and tears in interesting places. His hair is in a loose ponytail. I wonder if he went through the same check of appearance but I refrain from asking.

The arena is packed when we arrive, the place loud and vibrating with pre-concert energy. We make our way to our seats and I watch as Duo's eyes grow wide. We're not in the front row, we're actually in the front row of the second section, but I'd say that my partner is duly impressed. "Floor seats? Dude, you rock," he says excitedly. I smirk at him. _That is the idea_. I know that part of it is how expensive the tickets were-not that expensive things impress Duo. I hope he understands that I really want him to enjoy this, and hell I can afford it. The Preventers pay a very good wage which is only right. Law enforcement is dangerous work, and as such deserves a decent salary. It amazes me that the BC work attitude prevailed so long. The people who performed the most vital jobs like teachers and police officers were paid less than film stars or fashion models. Somewhere along the line someone had the insane idea to pay people what they were worth. Of course, like in Preventer, recruitment standards were raised to weed out those merely looking for a fat pay check. Another mind boggling thing was something I read in an old history book.

Evidently public education was designed to keep the working class the working class. It's a good thing that all changed or Duo and I would not have done so well after the war.

Duo is telling me something-about the band we're here to see. I try to concentrate and get my mind off of these weird tangents but I am nervous. I want everything to go perfectly. Even though this _isn't_ a date. And Duo doesn't _know_ how I feel about him.

* * *

Two hours later, two curtain calls, and partial hearing loss on my part prompt us to leave the arena. We hang back for a few minutes in order to give the crowd a chance to disperse; no need to feed my cop paranoia just now. Duo is thrumming with energy and excitement, chattering about how good the concert was, how hard it rocked, that sort of thing. I feel excited too, but for a different reason.

We walk down the street. It is warm out and migrating concertgoers create a smoky atmosphere, alcohol and cigarettes and cannabis cloying in the stagnant air.

I want to go home, preferably with Duo, but he has other ideas. There is a bar near the arena and it is already packed. This is so not my scene. Duo tries to talk me into going in the bar but I hesitate trying not to show my discomfiture. He is not dense-well, not _too_ dense. He gets it and shrugs saying that we can just go home. I relent because he looks so crestfallen but I suspect that a good time will not be had by all.

I hate it when I am right.


	8. Chapter 8

Whew! This is it-the last chapter. Thanks for sticking with it, I have to admit

I really liked writing this but it took months to finish seeing as I rarely have

much time apart from my busy schedule. I was just glad to finish it.

-11-

"Duo-what the hell happened to your eye?" Quatre stopped in to our office to say hello on the way to Trowa's office. It would be hard to miss Duo's black eye, particularly since it is covered with an eye patch. Une had to hold back a snicker when she saw it; anyone else would have been reprimanded for participating in a barroom brawl and then showing up for work the next day looking like Jolly Roger. Duo of course is reveling in the attention and spins for Quatre the fanciful but terribly trite and cliché tale of a misunderstanding involving himself, a cute blonde bar fly, an overbearing, jealous, beefy, boyfriend and me starring in the role of innocent bystander/best friend/ backup. I am really no worse for wear; there are times when I am grateful for J's intensive training and meddling with my physiognomy.

Actually, even though a bar fight was not the way I intended to spend the rest of the evening with Duo, I have to admit, it was exhilarating. You haven't seen anything until you've seen Duo go to work. He was all glistening, sinewy muscle. Plus-he's added some interesting defensive moves with that hair of his. And I did mention this before, I'm a guy; physicality does me a world of good.

That does not help me where my desire for my partner is concerned. I spend some time trying to sort out how I feel and I am relieved that I don't make a habit of showing my emotions much or surely I would have somehow embarrassed myself in front of Duo. The botched weekend attempt at wooing gives me time to stop and think, really think about all this.

I guess the first thing I come to realize is that my conviction that Relena and any other females are not sexually attractive to me, is the truth. I wonder why I put myself through dating her and almost marrying her. It most likely was because I was denying my true desires: I buried them under a sense of duty, besides how many guys would admit that the beautiful Queen of the World doesn't do a thing for him, but, show me one sexy, loudmouth, jokester, thief, lower class fool who doesn't even know the right fork to use at dinner-and well, I'm all over him. Or at least I would be, given the chance. _Ugh_. I am sick of all this introspection and self analysis. It is what it is. Funny thing is that I haven't given much thought to Duo's end of the equation. I can only speculate: he's had failed romantic relationships before no doubt although his revelation about Hilde was surprising. But just because an otherwise extroverted, life of the party kind of guy isn't and hasn't dated anyone seriously doesn't mean he's gay and even if it did, would he even be interested in me?

* * *

Duo has been gone for three days. He went to L2 to attend Hilde's wedding. It has been quiet and dull around here without him but he should be back tomorrow. These last few days have been an eye opener in the sense that I have decided not to pursue Duo. I don't know what I was thinking-it must have been the confusion of realizing that I am gay, my senses must have become addled. I guess this is just a classic case of chickening out. I'm just glad I didn't do anything embarrassing. I do this a lot-get all gung ho about something and then do a complete about face and talk myself out of....whatever. It isn't that I'm any less attracted to Duo, not at all, I just don't have a clue as how to woo him and I feel ridiculous.

* * *

The next day Duo is due back from L2 and I purposely keep myself too busy to think about him; it's easy because I have reports to write and research to do. I am rereading a statement from Neil Grimaldi, suspected of murdering his girlfriend of three months. He pleads innocent, of course but after intensive grilling by Trowa and Marlee Wynters, he admits to bludgeoning her. Then proceeds to weep uncontrollably.

I wasn't there, it wasn't my case but it fell into my lap when the reason this creep beat his girlfriend to death was because she found out he was dealing drugs-and to minors as well as adults. The transcript of his confession is unclear as to whether or not the slain woman was planning on turning him in. I research further and find out that his supplier is on our suspected terrorists list.

I spend the afternoon tracking the supplier down. I'm not good at creative description-J had always demanded my reports be concise and devoid of editorials, so suffice it to say that I snuck in to the supplier's base of operations and got an eyeful: everyday pistolry to bombs of differing destructive capabilities and a nifty ID forgery business. And the drugs, of course. Enough to persuade Une to get a warrant.

Unfortunately rather than divert my focus from Duo, it places it firmly in my mind. The minors-Duo would risk suspension to teach Grimaldi a lesson. Hell, I want to do it.

My phone starts ringing, interrupting my thoughts. Good, I need something to distract me. "Yuy speaking," I say curtly.

"Hello, Heero," Relena answers cheerily. _Anything but this, damn it_! I sigh audibly because I just can't muster the energy to fake being happy to hear from her. She ignores it. "Heero, I hope you have been well?"

"Hn."

"Oh, fine. I will come to the point: I am hosting a benefit dinner for victims of the wars and their families. I know you are no longer under any obligation......but I thought perhaps you could come as my date."

I would rather watch Chang clean his toenails with his katana. Not that he'd ever do something so crude. I hope he doesn't read this. "I don't think that that is a good idea, Relena."

"Oh, Heero, surely you wouldn't begrudge me this!"

_Well shit_, as Duo would say. I'm not going to do this, I cannot get embroiled in this relationship again, I won't (says my cranky inner child). So I'm going to lie. "Relena, I am already busy that evening."

"Busy?" she sounds incredulous which really ticks me off. I can be busy, can't I? My life is not all work, reports and therapy. Okay, well it kind of is. But still. I have no intention of going to a stuffy, boring dinner with a bunch of hypocritical, windbag politicians while Relena simpers and tries to wrangle me back in her clutches. _No way_. "Heero, how are you _busy_ that night?"

"I-I'm helping a friend."

"What friend?" she sounds entirely too amused, like she is trying to catch me in a lie. I say the first name that comes to me. "Duo-I-I'm helping Duo."

* * *

"So-if I understand what you just said, you told the Pink Princess that you are helping me with the orphans at Justinian's?" Duo was looking far too amused. He had a lop sided grin and those violet eyes were twinkling. Those _beautiful_ eyes. I fidgeted with my drab olive Preventer uniform tie. "S-sorry, you were the first name that came to mind, I know you don't like to lie."

"That's right, buddy, I don't."

"She won't find out, you know." But I knew Duo well enough to know that that wasn't the point-it was the _principle_ of the thing. His motto is "I run, I hide, but I never lie." I think mottos are overrated. Then he shrugged. "It's no problem, Heero."

"It's not?" I felt relief sweep through me.

"We'll make it true."

_Huh_? "How-um, how are we going to do that?"

The grin widened. "You'll see."

* * *

Justinian's or more formally, Justinian Reformed Catholic Church was a run-down cathedral over by the poorer section of what we at Preventer call Sector B. In reality it is a middle class area of sorts, incomes ranging from subsistence to can afford extras, like a modest vacation, etc. I was not surprised to find out that Duo volunteered at the church when he was able. Duo's humble beginnings left him permanently grateful for what he now had; his war time conduct left him with the desire for retribution.

I was impressed and charmed by his ease of manner with the orphans of Justinian's, Duo was playful but firm with the kids, many of whom struggled with anger and disappointment; he was like a big brother and they adored him.

Tonight we were here serving dinner and cleaning up. I sympathized with the kids, the food was bland, though no doubt nutritious. That was why we brought with us several pounds of Italian bakery cookies-something these kids rarely, if ever, got. Duo made them promise to clean their plates before they could have any which in my opinion, bordered on sadistic. But they did it, each and every plate I scrubbed that evening did not have as much as a crumb on it.

After the meal was over we played charades (which I excelled at-no words! Go me!), and then we made sure each child washed before bed. We were met by a genteel-looking nun at the door. She leaned towards Duo and bussed his cheek. "Thank you, Mr. Maxwell. And you too, Mr. Yuy, the children did so enjoy this evening."

Duo blushed a little. He looked beguiling. _Damn it, down hormones, down I say_! "You're welcome Sister Mary Josepha. Just let me know if you need anything."

"You've done so much already," she smiled. "Goodnight, gentlemen."

We rode in my car in silence. I thought about how very much I had enjoyed tonight and not just because I was with Duo. Oh, that was a major part of it, but I enjoyed the children. That was the most relaxed I'd ever been with people of the short persuasion. And it felt really _good_, in a satisfying kind of way to help someone, for it to be about someone else. Maybe that is why Duo does it. Probably not though, he is far more altruistic.

"Hey, uh, wanna come over, watch a vid?"

I return from my thoughts in time to catch the question Duo stammers out as if he is nervous.

"Sounds good." And it does, it really does.

* * *

Duo lives on the third floor of a condominium. He likes the location as it is centered between town and work. I think the fact that the building is chock full of security features is a good thing and I often wonder why more dwellings do not have such amenities.

I have not been here before and Duo seems to be anxious to impress me for some reason. He gives me what he calls the "fifty cent" tour and then we settle in the living room where a large, wall mounted vidscreen is the focal point. I recall Duo's fondness for movies, particularly the BC films. He makes some cayenne pepper flavored popcorn and we each have a beer. Dark beer, if you want to know. "Thanks for helping out tonight," he says smiling a little. "The kids really liked you."

I laugh. "I liked them too." When he graces me with a quizzical raised brow I add, "I'll deny that last statement-even under extreme torture. I was glad to help, Duo."

We sit back and watch the vid screen. Some old movie entitled The Matrix comes on. Duo dims the light a bit. "So it's like being at the movies," he explains, nervous quiver back in his voice. I wonder if he turned the light down for another reason, like maybe he feels self-conscious about something?

If it had been a different film I might have used the dim lights as an opportunity to clandestinely observe him, but I find the film interesting. And there is lots of action, although the romance aspect leaves me flat.

When the movie ends he moves the popcorn bowl we shared and props his legs up on the coffee table. After a moment he looks at me. "How'd ya like it?"

_Huh_? I was distracted by the sight of his jean clad legs, long and lean on the table. I recognize that he's asking how I liked the movie. "It was interesting-the idea that computers could be running the show, feeding our brains with a false reality. Interesting, but ultimately unrealistic."

He gives me an incredulous look. "Really? _Unrealsitic_? Heero, buddy there were times when I thought you might have wed your laptop, or at the very least, mind-melded with it!" He is laughing and I am trying to figure out if I've just been insulted. "Well, I would fare better at romance with my laptop than that actress. She was about as sexy as rubella." Duo chuckles heartily at that. "Not your type, eh?"

"Hn."

Duo's expression changes rapidly. He looks crestfallen with a hint of chagrin. "Um-I was only kidding ya know."

I knew that-I did. "How was Hilde's wedding," I say needing to change the subject. He tells me about it: how Hilde made a beautiful bride, how he gave an amusing toast to the happy couple and ruefully the sore feet he got from dancing with the groom's clumsy sister. I wish I had been there to see how handsome he surely looked. Joking, I say, "maybe you'll be next."

"Highly doubtful." There is something in his voice, I can't name it but my eyes are drawn to him and he looks away as if he feels guilty about something. I really can't take this anymore. "Duo? Is there something wrong? You haven't been yourself lately."

He looked at me as if surprised that I noticed and that hurts. I had hoped that by now we were better friends. He shrugged. "Want another beer?"

"Not just now, thanks. _Is_ something the matter?"

Now he grins and I sense that he has managed to pull on that mask of his, the one that shows the world that Duo Maxwell is fine, when he is not. "Nothing more than the usual problems Heero, ya know, how to spend my millions, which girl to take to the ball........." he trails off.

"But-you haven't even been _dating_," I say, daring a confrontation. He turns away. "Yeah, well-too busy for such nonsense," he quips airily.

"I-I uh, overheard a conversation." _What am I doing_????

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes-you said you were lonely." _Here it is folks-my suicide_.

"Did I?"

"Yes and you also said you weren't looking for sex, you wanted loving." _Oh my god I have lost what was left of my mind_.

Far from anger Duo is giving me a perplexed look. "You overheard that? It was months ago." His eyes narrowed. "What are you spying on me or something?"

"No!" I answer quickly. "I happened to hear it and I did not know what to do so I just listened."

"So-why are you telling me this?"

I shake my head more confused than ever. "I don't know."

I look up and Duo is studying me, biting on his lower lip. "Can I tell you something?"

I nod, not wanting to say anything that will make him change his mind. I don't know what is coming but I have a feeling it's important. He sits and gestures for me to join him on the couch. "I always thought of us as comrades in arms, best buds, ya know? Then things happened and we went our own ways-me with Hilde and the salvage business, and you-well, you never did tell me where you went. But I was still convinced we were friends and that you would come to see me. I figured we had an understanding of sorts-hell, we didn't need to keep in touch all the time to be buds. Then the next thing I hear is that you're marrying Relena. You have the right to be happy, everyone does and god knows I tried to be happy for you, but I just couldn't! It was so wrong-the idea of you marrying her."

"That's why it didn't happen," I say unneccessarily. He is looking down at the sofa cushion, plucking it absently.

"Yeah, you apparently wanted to play the field," he chuckles, in reference to my dating attempts. I wait to see if he wants to say anything more. "Well," he continues, "I got tired of waiting for you to come to me so I joined Preventer."

_What? He was waiting for me_?

"I guess," he rubs the back of his neck anxiously, "I guess I couldn't stop thinking about you and then we got to work together again and hang out together again and it was like old times. Better than."

"Yes," I admit.

"Maybe we've both grown up some."

"And found our place in the world." He smiles at this.

"It's not perfect though. What with being lonely and all." Duo turns a little to face me. "I was kind of hoping......that is I. Damn." He frowns finding it difficult to say what he wants. I grasp his shoulder gently. "Say what you feel Duo. It's okay." I suddenly get that it _is_ okay, no matter _what_ he says. Here is my best friend, someone I can count on, even if he isn't attracted to me romantically. And I can live with that. _I hope_. He takes a deep breath and then blurts out in a rush, "I have been in love with you for a long time,HeeroYuy." And he exhaled and cringed as if he expected to be hit. It is so surprising and wondrous to hear his hasty confession and I can't help but laugh because in my world laughter conveys joy. Duo however, misconstrues my happiness. "Damn, Yuy," he grumbles unhappily, "I'd be happier if ya just hit me."

That stops my laughter cold. I look at him. He is crimson and looks as if someone ran over his puppy. "Oh, Duo-I'm sorry.....I"

"No," he held up his hand in front of me to ward off what he thinks is a rejection, "don't-I get it, okay? Let's just forget I said anything."

"No. I won't forget it. Duo, you have misunderstood me and I'm not about to forget the best thing you've ever said to me!"

The confused look on his face is so adorable I want to grab him and kiss the stuffing out of him. _What the hell_. Our first kiss. His lips are soft and warm against mine. Ever hear songs or prose that describe finding that perfect kiss, that perfect love, where everything falls into place and the stars align and souls merge? It was like that.

Duo breaks our first kiss and looks at me like I have a marmot coming out of my ear. "Heero?"

"Yes?"

"Heero-what the hell?"

"Didn't you just tell me that you love me?"

"Um-yeah, but......"

"So-I love you too."

"You do?"

"Yes." I smile at him to prove it, rather proud of myself for being able to be honest about my feelings. Then I try kissing him again but he dodges me. _Damn. I thought the hard part was over_. "Heero, why didn't you say something?"

"Why didn't you?" I counter.

"I didn't want to get killed," he says sardonically. I lean back against the sofa. "I didn't know how I felt until you joined Preventer. I guess I was repressing." How do you like _that_, Dr. Rodgers?

"Repressing? Repressing," Duo repeats this once more and begins laughing himself. I join in. "God, what a couple of idiots!"

I have to agree. But I'd rather be doing _other_ things.

* * *

Considering that it was Duo who confessed his feelings first, it is surprisingly difficult getting him into bed because confession notwithstanding he is shy and unsure, but in the end we get there, probably because neither of us can deny this attraction any longer now that the respective cats have been let out of the bag.

I'm kissing a line from his ear down to his jaw while he rubs my back. I can feel him smiling. "I never thought this could happen," he says in a whisper against my skin. I raise my head and look at him, overjoyed that now I can stare into his eyes without reprisals. "Your eyes are so beautiful." His smile widens and I have to kiss him.

I have never thought of myself as a very sensual person, but with Duo I can't help but take my time. I start with his face, nibbling his ears, delighted by the giggles my attention has elicited. Kissing his lips is so warm/sexy/comfortable it feels perfect, like coming in from the cold to a blazing hearth. He is so responsive it drives me crazy. At one point he flips us so that I am underneath him. The initial shock and disbelief wear off and he is very assertive, kissing, licking and nipping every part of me that is unclothed. When he begins to stroke me I harden further, struck by the irony of what initially prompted this narrative. We take turns touching and exploring one another and I am completely besotted. Everything about him arouses and stimulates me: his masculine scent, the firm musculature under surprisingly soft, smooth skin, and the hair, oh that wild auburn silk that used to be so impossibly long, soft and sensuous as it tickles and glides down across my thighs.

I have never felt so fully realized, so awake and it's like opening my eyes and seeing full, vibrant color after having been locked into black and white. I know, I'm babbling but making love with Duo the first time was like a damn miracle. It is what I have been missing in my life, no woman ever made me feel like this. I am struck by the feeling of rightness, like I found a missing puzzle piece.

* * *

Thrusting into tight heat I nearly pass out when he climaxes first, wrenching my orgasm from me and the jubilant shout that accompanied it. I only hope his walls are reasonably sound-proofed.

I wake to find it is still dark. I am startled because I thought I had been sleeping for hours. Duo is wedged up against my back and I twist to look at him. I have a feeling that I am going to require plastic surgery to remove the seemingly permanent sappy smile from my lips. It will be difficult to explain at work, at any rate. Duo stirs and shifts toward me. "Hi."

"Hi," I respond, still smiling. I lean forward and kiss his lips lightly. "You okay?"

"Mmm. Yeah-just sleepy. What's the time?"

I lean over him to look at his alarm clock. I have to wonder where he managed to find one in the shape of a vampire bat. "It's only 2:30. Go back to sleep."

"Stay?" he implores me. I lean and kiss him again. "I hadn't planned on leaving. In fact, I may never go home."

"Good."

I reach for him and settle him in my arms. We talk for a while and I tell him all about my problem with impotence. I start to think he won't ever stop giggling. But that's fine-after all we have established beyond the shadow of a doubt that the only real "problem" I had was not knowing how much I needed him. He pulls me on top of him and I smile looking down into his handsome face. "If we had talked earlier I could have saved time and money on my therapy."

"Well, it wasn't a total loss-after all, you have those nice aromatherapy bath oils!"

_How the hell did he find out about those_?

End


End file.
